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July

was a month of bittersweet feeling. At times I would be incredibly elated and at times I would feel very frustrated.

We learnt more as days passed by. If not about each other, it will be about anything and everything.

I became more confident and expressed them through my gestures and body language. At times I would hug her and at times I would hold her shoulder as the situation propose it. At one point, I inadvertently pinched her cheek because I thought she was incredibly cute as her eyes peered out just outside of the rim of her glasses and I was looking down at her.

damn.

I thought this was something different. My admiration turns to somewhat of a deep affection towards her. I was rather confused as to what kind of affection is this.

‘an affection towards a friend’ ?

‘a sister-love affection’ ?

‘a rival’ ?

‘a very important friend’ ?

‘a very important person in my life’ ?

I had many questions that I needed answers too. Coincidentally, I met up with a friend after a long time whom I can discuss this freely to. I mentioned about my woes and laughed it off.

Eventually, the incident just went over my head and I lived my day normally without worries. I was happy enough that I get to talk, spend time and share many things with her.

I wanted to feel special. Since I came later in her life than other people/colleagues, I felt left behind and it made me anxious. At one point, they were mentioning about a ‘secret admirer’ and I immediately felt a stab on my heart. I felt betrayed as I was not informed about this event. At that moment, my obsessions, thoughts of wanting to know everything about her was overwhelming that I had to control myself and acted cool. My immaturity seemed to manifests itself that I begun to feel easily irritated. The thoughts of having someone else knew something about her and I don’t gave me the impression of having that ‘bubble’ burst without warning.

I thought that she was not mine to begin with and it was only arrogance that had consumed me. It was foolish of me to think that we had a special bond.

This happened again when a former colleague came for a visit and she asked for his contact details. I felt a bit of jealousy but I had to reassure myself that it was only a mere exchange of information between two friends.

It was also a revelation to me as I realized that this was not just some affection but I was beginning to feel more than an adoration but love..? Love may be a strong word but ‘like’ might be closer to how I feel than love. Since ‘like’ can be associated with many things that I might be feeling for her.

Either way I am content with what we have. Content with the journey that we have and I’m looking forward to discovering many things about ourselves.

Such an irony that my ipod just decided to play ‘Sweet Talk’ by The Killers.

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came June

in a flash and I increasingly became closer to her. Our interest seems to complement each other and coming to work everyday has been a breeze if not a challenge just from attending customers and looking for books.

Everytime we passed by each other around the store, we would giggled as if to cover that awkwardness of seeing each other’s faces, or simply just a reminder of a funny moment/conversation that we had. At that moment, amongst the swarm of people, there only exist a bubble with just the two of us.

She resemble my best friend very much. In a way that she puts up a hesitant smile or gave a nervous laughter if she finds something funny. She would be very focused on her work when stressed. Her intellectual curiosity on cosmology, religion, meditation and mindfullness amongst many other things that she enjoys are very entertaining to me. Having daily conversation from arts to pseudo-science or even puns are enjoyable when with her. For someone who is as serious and timid as her, she enjoys making puns (bad ones). I admire this side of her, the side that she doesn’t show often. On some good days, I would see her wearing makeup that constitutes more than just eyeliner. As she move her jaw while she speaks, you can see a small pink spiral at the height of her cheekbones. June was the beginning of our friendship that I happened to know many things about her.

I trust her when we opened up about relationships, mental health and religious beliefs. I told her stories about my past which I struggled discussing about to my closest friends. So I found it surprising that I could tell her my stories nonchalantly. I thought that I must have grown up or maybe I felt less insecure when speaking to her about it.

Incidently, June was also her birthday so I went as far as looking for a birthday gift that my car was hit by a car. Took me months to settle the process and everything back to normal. Though she doesn’t know anything about this. The present I gave her was a scent that I thought would suit her personality and aura. I don’t know much about floriography but I thought something that is not as strong as Jasmine would suit her better. I opted for Geranium since it resonates with her gentle attitude. But at the same time, I thought I should give sort of a subtle encouragement for her to be more assertive as she would hope herself to be.

I was very much happy that she received it.

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hello

it has been a while hasn’t it ?

I have yet to write an entry since my previous post I made after I started my part-time job.

I decided that this might be a good time to confess about this conflicted feelings of mine. It has since been two months when I started work and like any other jobs, I love this one very much. Heck, I even went to work during my off day but that’s partly due to my carelesness ( T_T)\(^-^ )

aside from that, I was given a brief training around the store and each staff leader taught me how to display their books. Come a girl my age who was showing around her area and who could have thought that we had so much in common (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)

so nuch so that who could have thought that this friendship could have turned into something more…

of a one-sided-fondness-of-like…

oh how much I struggle to understand this situation that I’ve put myself in.

It started with just a casual introduction and briefings to having lunch and getting into deeper conversations. happiness poured and the chemistry flowed in this overfilled bucket that I can’t contained no more, as it the overflowed water is reflecting my feelings towards her. She is an open-minded person and weren’t being judgmental about my disposition that I felt such joy of being accepted for who I am. As days passed by slowly and yet quickly in the store, I eventually looking forward to work only so that I could feel her presence and speak to her. My eyes would unconsciously search for her presence in the store and I would help her as much as I could (partly because her books are the easiest to display) and wanted nothing but praise from her. Everytime we passed by each other, we would smile and giggle like little girls as if we have a deep secret to tell. A secret that of a friendship which quickly form and bloom yet everyone remain oblivious of how close we became.

In the end month of May, we had a huge sales stock and it was the first time that I unconsciously let my guard down and comfortably had occasional ‘touch’ like hugging. At one point I unconsciously placed my chin on her shoulder and she responded with ‘tired ?’. I then shrugged and without wanting to appear brash or immature, I opted for the cute, short but also non-chalant reply, ‘a bit, yeh’.

it’s lame yes. By this time I didn’t know that my thoughts on our friendship was of something more than just ‘friends’.

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good things started happening

and then shit comes crashing down in full sweep. I mean, no one wants to see you end the week with good vibes, even the universe doesn’t allow it.

I started a part time job at an international bookstore. I love it there since it has been my dream to work at that store. Everything has been great, my team are awesome and supportive. The customers are all super-nice and I did my job correctly throughout the whole time I’ve been there.

Just about I was going to end this week then karma just shoots me right in the ass. Recently our store has had a major re-shuffling of our goods and changes has to be made. So I had one customer browsing through several items and asked if the price is included with tax. It wasn’t supposed to be but I don’t know if we’ve changed it or not. But I didn’t think to verify and told her no because I was living under a stupid assumption that it has since changed.

My carelessness had turned me into a major panic mess. But this is honestly my mistake so whatever the higher ups would say, it should be on me. Tomorrow is my day off so I have to wait till Monday to find out if the customer gave me a complaint or not.

I pray that she didn’t looked at her receipt and threw away the evidence. On a side note, the items she bought could have had its price reduced so you’d never know. I can’t tell which ones she took though. Like I said, I can only pray dammit.

It may seemed to be a minor problem but as careless as I am, I am also a perfectionist.

And a very paranoid person…

which is why joints are bad for me.

I hope that others are doing better than I.

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ask for a cat and it shall be given to you

is actually true. God works in mysterious ways. This happened when I was on my way home and I was in a desperate need of a cat’s paw and snuggles.

Then, during dinner when I was telling a funny joke (indicative that I’m a fairly funny person because Mum was laughing), I heard a cat meowed outside the house. Turns out, it was a tabby CAT! I didn’t even think twice by letting it inside our house, so we fed it and the cat was EXTREMELY friendly, constantly rubbing on our legs and kept asking to be petted, which made us convinced that this wasn’t just a stray cat. But nobody claimed it so we… kept it. heh.

Then, another cat appeared out of nowhere which started meowing from outside and it had the EXACT same FUR etc… so that damned cat had a brother. now we have two cats…

Day two: Mum got excited (encouraged by me) and bought them a pair of collars with bells, a toy, a bunch of food and a scratch board with catnip. p.s.: the catnip did nothing.

Day three: now the cat kept headbutting us and rubbed against our legs to the point that we had to run or slide in case we might stepped on the cat. haha ridiculous i know.. We kept the cats outside and only let them in when there are people in the house but at most nights, they would sleep outside inside a boxed house.

Day four: now one of the brother is missing.

updates will be notified.

 

 

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sense8 !!!

The season finale of sense8 is out! the two-hour episode will conclude as a ‘wrap-up’ for the series as what was promised by Netflix, since it got cancelled even after reaching quite a huge popularity for reasons mainly because of financial burdens, understandably since the filming took place in more than five countries. But they did it so well and had an amazing storyline. The story did not just touch on our current social issues, but the drama took us on the journey exploring the development of each characters (mainly eight as mentioned in the title). It’s all about acceptance, gratitude, compassion and empathy, which I think is lacking in our current society.

Trailer for the two-hour episode:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QYU8w4ONQVo

must. talk. MORE.

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the anxious driver

so you’re driving on the highway and the road is so spacious you don’t have to worry about anything as you listen to your playlist specifically for driving, playing in the background while singing to the lyrics from the tunes and the weather is just perfect for a drive. ahh this is very enjoyable. you switch it up to ‘September’ by Earth, Fire and Winds because you feel like dancing when suddenly a car is behind you getting closer and closer, you notice that the car is getting so fast because the light shines so brightly that it reflects your rear mirror and you feel like if I don’t speed up this car might just hit me from behind and so I guess I have to speed up, now the sound of your engine revs up so loud that your song begins to fade and you forgot that it was on shuffle so the tune to Initial D ‘Crazy on Emotion’ started playing on full blast and it gets your blood pumping all the more from the car that’s tailgating you, now you speed up just to keep the space between you and the car behind you but suddenly, there appears to be cars closely packed together like sausages on a conveyor belt on your left lane so you have no choice but to speed up to find a space in between so you can at least squeeze into to give way for the car behind you who is still revving up its engine so it can pass through, by now your pupil dilates and sweat begins to appear lining you moustache area, its the climax of Initial D and a couple of minutes later you see an opening and you start to indicate to the left when suddenly the car from your left indicate to the right! you’re hoping that the left car could give way to you so you speed up but then the car unable to understand the signs, REVS UP and trying to get past you but you’re trying to keep the space between the car behind you because you don’t want to be in the way and there’s nothing more suspence than having them turning their indicate light or high beam on but there’s a corner so there’s nothing you can do but wait until the right moment and here it comes but wait! there’s a bloody traffic so all of us had to slow down and nobody gets what they want. by now the audio is playing ‘The Scientist’ by Coldplay and you softly whisper ‘Fuck’.

I shed 15 years off my life driving.

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