was a month of bittersweet feeling. At times I would be incredibly elated and at times I would feel very frustrated.
We learnt more as days passed by. If not about each other, it will be about anything and everything.
I became more confident and expressed them through my gestures and body language. At times I would hug her and at times I would hold her shoulder as the situation propose it. At one point, I inadvertently pinched her cheek because I thought she was incredibly cute as her eyes peered out just outside of the rim of her glasses and I was looking down at her.
I thought this was something different. My admiration turns to somewhat of a deep affection towards her. I was rather confused as to what kind of affection is this.
‘an affection towards a friend’ ?
‘a sister-love affection’ ?
‘a rival’ ?
‘a very important friend’ ?
‘a very important person in my life’ ?
I had many questions that I needed answers too. Coincidentally, I met up with a friend after a long time whom I can discuss this freely to. I mentioned about my woes and laughed it off.
Eventually, the incident just went over my head and I lived my day normally without worries. I was happy enough that I get to talk, spend time and share many things with her.
I wanted to feel special. Since I came later in her life than other people/colleagues, I felt left behind and it made me anxious. At one point, they were mentioning about a ‘secret admirer’ and I immediately felt a stab on my heart. I felt betrayed as I was not informed about this event. At that moment, my obsessions, thoughts of wanting to know everything about her was overwhelming that I had to control myself and acted cool. My immaturity seemed to manifests itself that I begun to feel easily irritated. The thoughts of having someone else knew something about her and I don’t gave me the impression of having that ‘bubble’ burst without warning.
I thought that she was not mine to begin with and it was only arrogance that had consumed me. It was foolish of me to think that we had a special bond.
This happened again when a former colleague came for a visit and she asked for his contact details. I felt a bit of jealousy but I had to reassure myself that it was only a mere exchange of information between two friends.
It was also a revelation to me as I realized that this was not just some affection but I was beginning to feel more than an adoration but love..? Love may be a strong word but ‘like’ might be closer to how I feel than love. Since ‘like’ can be associated with many things that I might be feeling for her.
Either way I am content with what we have. Content with the journey that we have and I’m looking forward to discovering many things about ourselves.
Such an irony that my ipod just decided to play ‘Sweet Talk’ by The Killers.